I wrote this on 6.21.08. I randomly came across this site, and was intrigued by the story titled: Inside my mind.

After reading your story, Ki, I felt inclined to share this story:

inspired by:
Song Artist: Ingrid Michaelson
Song Title: All that I know is I'm Breathing

my mind races i feel like crying yet, there is a world out there beyond me, so why shrivel up into my little growth bubble and i soon feel ashamed that i spend so much of my time on myself, especially when most of it becomes counterproductive. i have done countless hours of introspection, ...
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little by little doing some self acceptance, constantly doing research on new, unfamiliar discoveries to my sense of self-concept, this intriguing productive insight sprinting (yes sprinting not running, sprinting) through my mind all at once, trying desperately to get an insignificant fragment of my thoughts, but painfully, much more frequently than not, instead becomes a hardly satisfying, dishearteningly unproductive slurred stream of ideas that generate an only slightly greater understanding of ME. all of the seemingly critical details enhance the intense rumination of self awareness, but they then drop out just as quick as they dropped in as soon as more other seemingly critical details begin their journey into the invaluable, shared space, my working memory. as i hold my breath, in hopes to remember it all, even before i begin to exhale, i can feel the new knowledge slipping away, leaving only an indistinguishable, close to futile footprint in my mind, and over ninety percent of it is lost, only because i am too greedy to condense and summarize and am, instead relentlessly trying to smash every last fact into my unmistakably, extremely limited memory, and thus, repeatedly setting myself up for defeat.

this is my "storm". but it is not even remotely close to exhaustive, for then there is the sharing of this new found confidence in ME with those people whom i neglected too long (by keeping couped up for too long in my self bubble). but, these same people, the people who help make my life worth living, either: are too engulfed in their own self or simply do not have the patience (or what i would call love) to grasp my new found insight and acknowledge my confidence. but, they are not to blame, since i play just as crucial a role to my receiving end, in this almost pathetic attempt to interact and make connection. my crucial role happens to be the messenger, where i need to be clear, concise (and accurate for that matter), sensitive and alert, captivating and quick (for no one really has the time to spare) all at once. and this is just the surface, for i also need to be receptive and fully aware of the risk of confrontation (see Road Less Traveled p150) and simultaneously maintain confidence and strict mental organization throughout my entire attempt at sharing myself. and sharing the inner workings of oneself takes pure guts for it leaves one vulnerable to criticism and doubt, both of which have no bounds. the usually harsh and debilitating response is hardly ever intended to break one's spirit, but, to me, this effect is highly inevitable due to the outsider's perspective and thus a completely different, potentially conflicting, most definitely hurtful judgmental reply. but, most likely it won't get that far, for the listener rarely has the attention span to survive it, and thus terminates his end of the interconnection, simply by ceasing listening.

all the while,
there is a world of people out there, whom for some, sometimes without the efforts of even lifting a finger, i can make a positive impact on in a second. i close my blinds and think...
and all that i know is i'm breathing.

"i want to change the world, instead i sleep" from pure exhaustion due to my soul searching
"i want to believe in more than you and me" (you = everyone with whom a deteriorating, much missed connection is struggling to survive) i want to allow for some time to redirect my focus and reach outside of myself, into humanity and touch the lives of strangers and friends. i need not be selfish. and even more so, i need not shut myself out to the world.

"BUT, all that i know is i'm breathing" and
"ALL i can do is keep breathing now."

... and this is only one side of the equation... alas, there is also the story belonging to the complementary piece of the cherished relationship and still yet, her courage to take that same risk as i and make herself vulnerable to me.

all for the sake of potential personal and interpersonal growth, sharing, love and intimacy (vs. isolation. erikson)

Lyrics to the song:
Song Artist: Ingrid Michaelson
Title: All that I know is I'm Breathing

The storm is coming, but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world, instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing. [8x]

All we can do is keep breathing now.

--------------------this is me: uncensored

all for what...?

-----NOTE: I realize this entry is not clear and may not be easy to follow (or even make sense), but I can get into the habit of trying to find the right word to describe what I am trying to say (I will even look up words on a dictionary and thesaurus I have on my computer in order to find that right word, or the closest word to it) and make really long, intricate sentences on top of that. And excuse the lack of capitalization; it is a style I adopted for these types of ruminations, just one long thought. Also, I do edit some of my ruminations, but they usually take multiple edits, and lots of time, so this is not perfected.